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A day without suicide is like a day without sunshine January 18, 2010

Posted by onlinejesus in Devine Moment of Truth.
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It’s true… It is true. I was just thinking about the news and how you sometimes have to wait a few days before you hear something being committed in the name of religion. Like a new museum (you have to check this one out) or a new endeavor to teach creationism in biology, a suicidal bombing (attempt) and so on. But then, my beloved followers, I rejoiced for I had a miraculous thought. By the grace of the Holy Spirit, I thought… but if I check in international news there’s gonna be sunshine everyday.

This helps me go through the day by day pains of my sufferings. And I suffer of course, so I can forgive sins. You see it is in My infinite wisdom (and My Fathers’ and Holy Spirits’) that I have devised this perfect system in which I (My Father) created you imperfect, than I (Me) came on Earth to suffer so that I can forgive your imperfections and thus grant you My (My Father’s) eternal grace.

Now I don’t like pointing fingers here, because I love all of you sinners, BUT Christians, heed my words and pick up your act, because the muslims are way ahead of you in the game. They give themselves to Me (Allah(*)) with far greater lack of judgment than you. And as I am Me, I will rephrase My words from the Bible “if you judge, you will be judged”. So I call upon you once more, to stop judging and follow My word.

Until next confession remember to do your bit for the sunshine each day,

JC

(*) Allah is just a differentiator from God. And it’s not even that different, consider it more of a translation from one language to the next. We all know My good buddy John, was actually called Ioannis back then, but We let it slide, because English is more common now than latin. But in the end, it’s still God and that is still Me.

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Gay is the new black January 15, 2010

Posted by onlinejesus in Devine Moment of Truth.
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My fellow christians, it’s time to acknowledge and take pride in your common beliefs. And today’s theme is just about that ‘Gays are the new blacks’ in America.

A brief history of time would tells us that if we consider 60 years to be like 1 hour then exactly 1 hour ago you hated blackies with the same passion you now hate the ass pirates. Oh, I had such a laugh, I almost felt like My first home here on earth more that 2000 years ago. You were going to My churches all over the US on Sundays (which is a bit off, but I never did mind) and you took really good care no coons would enter them. I love everybody, in fact several years ago in Brazil I loved this wonderful blackie, oh… it was the summer of a lifetime… well your lifetime, not Mine. But deep down I knew you just wanted what was best for me, because these blacks were so well hung it was painful.

Today you have an african american/nigger president, that’s a huge leap. And he’s an atheist too, but being the educated man that he is, he will never admit it as long as there is still a strong uneducated christian majority in the country. But just the same, today you go to My churches all over the country and make sure no gay guys enter. Because it says in the book of Leviticus that a man shall not lay with another man as he does with a woman. But the truth being told, I never said anything about gay guys, in fact most of the apostles knew personally my preferences, but we’ve decided not to make our relationships public.

Let’s hope that during this lifetime you will take less heed of My Fathers words, and more of Mine, and Me and Emanuel will be able to enjoy one another more openly.

My eternal love to both sexes,

JC

The thoughts of a fan January 11, 2010

Posted by onlinejesus in Devine Moment of Truth.
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I, guided by My inspiration, ran into these words that speak nothing but the truth. Many people, until the present days, were inspired into action by these words, and I know they will inspire you as well.

“My feelings as a Christian points me to my Lord and Savior as a fighter. It points me to the man who once in loneliness, surrounded only by a few followers, recognized these atheists for what they were and summoned men to fight against them and who, God’s truth! was greatest not as a sufferer but as a fighter. In boundless love as a Christian and as a man I read through the passage which tells us how the Lord at last rose in His might and seized the scourge to drive out of the Temple the brood of vipers and adders. How terrific was His fight for the world against the atheistic poison. Today, after two thousand years, with deepest emotion I recognize more profoundly than ever before in the fact that it was for this that He had to shed His blood upon the Cross. As a Christian I have no duty to allow myself to be cheated, but I have the duty to be a fighter for truth and justice…. And if there is anything which could demonstrate that we are acting rightly it is the distress that daily grows. For as a Christian I have also a duty to my own people…. When I go out in the morning and see these men standing in their queues and look into their pinched faces, then I believe I would be no Christian, but a very devil if I felt no pity for them, if I did not, as did our Lord two thousand years ago, turn against those by whom to-day this poor people is plundered and exploited.”

This mighty and inspiring words were uttered on April 12th 1922, and a few words were different, but I had to update them to make the text relevant to your present times.

Bless me bless you,

JC

Politically correct January 7, 2010

Posted by onlinejesus in Devine Moment of Truth.
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Time and time again, I am reminded that you did not take to heart what I have told my homies to write in what you now call the New Testament. It’s time you treat each other with respect and dignity and not call each other names.

And as I was thinking about this topic/issue a couple of days ago I ran into a comment on youtube that I’ve added below. As you can see once again the term of ‘nazi’ is not used to denote a person belonging to the nazi party or regime but an evil man. I put it to you, the person who said that is shallow and racist. He discriminates against arians, which is by definition racist.

I have already forgiven that guy for his nickname.

Any arguments?! Sure, some might say that most nazis were bringing shame upon themselves and the disgrace of Me and Father, but can’t you say the same thing about most black people in Brooklyn and Harlem?! That obviously doesn’t mean that ALL were bad, just a few of them that got the most media coverage. And in any case, it’s a sure bet that the streets in Berlin are (and always were) safer than the streets of New York. I know this because I use to travel a lot whenever I need more followers.

I think I have proved my point, and in any case, what I say is law, so if you’re not satisfied with the argument, believe it anyway.

Other terms used by racists that are going to hell:
african american – this basically puts all black people in the same boat (and sends them to Americas to be sold as slaves). What if you have a brother from Belgium go to New York to get some ice, does he all of a sudden become american? Is the visa legislation slightly relaxed because of the race? –>> racist

latino – it’s the same as ‘african american’ but for people of latin descent. The difference here is that latino doesn’t cover all the latin people. I.E. when was the last time you saw an italian and said to yourself (or the authorities) “he’s latino”. Get your facts right, girlfriend, italians are more ‘latino’ than any south american nation. Why is that? Well it’s because italians, formally know as romans, wrote the latin – english dictionaries for the first time. They also made ME speak latin, it’s true, my second language after hebrew is latin. Imagine how that went, because my jew carpenter father would not pay for private latin classes for his bastard son 😦

So in conclusion, I say onto you, try not to be so politically correct or you’re going to hell. Father already knows if you meant to say nigger or spick or Soprano motherfucker so just say what’s on your mind.

The multilingual prince of peace and love,
JC

iSlam news January 1, 2010

Posted by onlinejesus in Devine Moment of Truth.
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Today a great miracle took place in the cradle of iSlam, proving once again the power and mercy of my latest client, Muhammed. A plane carrying 130 arabs and 6 americans landed safely on the airport in Quatar. According to sources no incidents were recorded onboard the airplane during the 4 hour flight. Thus establishing a new world record for longest flight of an airplane with muslims on board. The last record was 2 hours 40 minutes and it was set in 2006.

Popular belief dictates that muslims know the truth. The absolute truth, as it is written by me in the Quran. And the truth is that people can’t fly. Also that pigs are filthy even if you cook them (with fire), but you can clean your feet by washing them with warm water. But I digress, muslims, who now manage to be up to date with all the technological breakthroughs that are mentioned in the Quran have a real difficult time switching from the flying carpet to a case of metal… a golden cage for most.Peace and Love So after they finish rubbing the lamp, mandatory on each flight (an old relic from the carpet flying days) they become agitated and want to take control over the plane.

A great start for the new year indeed!. Just in case this article proves to be offensive to a certain category of readers, I’ve added a picture which will clarify my perspective on this issue.

Praise Me, I’ll praise your DJs,

JC

Steve Jobs vs. Mohammed December 26, 2009

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I’ve decided to do an objective comparison between these to valuable brands owners. And will pick the most popular products from each one of them. So it will get down to: iPod vs. iSlam.

Contrary to popular belief, I Myself know a great deal about marketing. Let’s face it, I’ve started a viral fad, that turned into a religion, so I think I’m qualified to talk about marketing and PR.

SJ vs. M : 1 – 0 — addressed public
Without any doubt, the public Apple is addressing is always the most educated with high incomes. Whereas iSlam would just not stick to such a population. They have quite distinct markets, and I’d be quite surprised to see followers of both products at the same time.
In summary
SJ market: designers, writers, freelancers, artists – educated people with an soft spot for arts
M market: sheppards, goat-molesters, barbaric tribes, hungry poor people — uneducated people with few if any opportunities to be happy in life (I know that some iSlam followers moved out from the wastelands to civilized places of the planet, where they try to reintroduce slavery and torture, but they adopted iSlam when they fitted the profile I’ve described earlier)

SJ vs. M — 1 – 1 — followers loyalty
Without any doubt this point goes straight to Mohammed. I haven’t heard anybody even joking about an iPod fan killing non-iPod fans, and for an added bonus kill himself in the process. Yet M, in what is one of the most courageous marketing move I’ve heard of, managed to convince his followers to kill themselves. Why do I say it’s courageous?! Well, because it obviously reduces the market. On the other hand this tactic seems to cut from the market share of the competitors as well and creates social proof for others to adopt iSlam. Brilliant.
In summary: iPod fans may promote their products and this is brilliant in terms of marketing (cheap very efficient advertising) but lack the conviction (and the specific instructions in the user’s manual) to kill themselves and others.

SJ vs M — 2 – 1 — market share
Well why!? Surely there are more iSlam followers than iPod followers, right?! Yes, but that’s in term of absolute numbers. We must pay respects to the size of the market, and with that in mind Mohammed has to wash his dirty feet and bow to Steve Jobs because he only has 21% of the market while iPod has roughly 70% of the mp3 players market.
No summary needed.

SJ vs. M — 3 – 1 — innovation
Let’s face it guys, this is a BIG one. In today’s world, everything happens much faster than 1500 or 2000 years ago. I remember walking with Mohammed when I was on his product management advisory board for what turned out to be iSlam, and it took us weeks to cross one desert and spread the word. Marketing campaigns would go for years and they still would be relevant to the public. Now, Mohammed, unlike Me is not the son of God and can’t really reincarnate at will, so that might be an excuse for bad management, but I think the executive board of iSlam Intl. should get together and start putting their foot down on the innovation gas.
iPods on the other side, as we all know, come out with new and improved (with more features than ever) versions of iPod once or twice a year.

SJ vs. M — 3 – 2 — easiness of adoption (smoothness)
Is it easier to be an iPod owner than an iSlam owner? Not really. Given the fact that a great majority of the worlds populations earns 200$ to 500$ a YEAR, it’s easier to get iSlam (for you and your entire family (good Christmas present by the way)) than it is to buy the new iPod Touch with 16Gb of SSD or something like that. We actually touched on this market size on an earlier topic.

SJ vs. M — 4 – 2 — brand ethics
Again, there is no debate with this one. While SJ might have the secret disease (meaning he won’t tell us in advance almost anything about new versions of iPod) what he says in the end about iPods, might not be said under oath, but it’s not that far from the truth either. Sure every once in a while we see a change in statements, but nothing major.
In the other camp, mr. Mohammed says nothing even close to reality, NOT EVEN CLOSE folks. He talks about fictional super natural powers, tells lie after lie after lie, and while some are just opinions that can’t be verified others are opinions that CAN be verified and turn out to be false. And against all the scientific evidence and direct observation no one from the company changes it’s statement, in fact they stick to their original position, and it pains me to say this, the followers don’t seem to fucking mind.
Can you imagine something like that from iPod?! Can you imagine SJ saying that the iPod can play whatever songs you want, when you want them for free without you even having to download them. Can you imagine him saying that he has a direct line just for you and he will implement whatever feature you want? Can you imagine him saying that after your iPod inevitably dies (I know mine did) even if it’s from your own fault you get back from SJ personally 3 times the money you spent on his product? AND STILL people not gathering up with torches in public squares and demanding his decapitation, maybe take him into international waters so no law would be broken?! That really goes to prove the very first point in this debate.

Alright, that’s it for now folks, until next time
pray to Me,
JC

Birthday issues December 19, 2009

Posted by onlinejesus in Holy Rant.
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Hey,

As you all know, ma’ birthday is coming up and I’m really pissed off. Everybody is singing fucking carols that I don’t need. Oh… look, baby Jesus is born… oh, look Mary is looking for a place to give birth, new hope onto the world… whatfuckingever! Listen, this is my birthday, I don’t want to hear songs about me and I really don’t like that you offer presents among yourselves. Hell (which is real and most of you will go there soon), if it’s my birthday I think I should have a little more material attention, amirite?!

Listen, this year I want a real car… make it a Porsche Turbo 911 (don’t you love the classics) and install a DSG gearbox for My sake! I’m sorry that I got all worked up, but this year, MJ would’ve bought me a lot of presents, but Dad decided to pull him off the stage. He is so passive-aggressive… just like in the Old Testament.

Pray to me,
JC